You know how I'll occasionally mention the fact that a lot of parents will go pretty far out of their way to prevent their kids from having sex? Well, apparently, there's also a lot of folks out there who will do just about anything to prevent themselves from believing that their kids are screwing, even when it's so fucking obvious that a blind, deaf and dead man would be able to detect the smell of fuck in the air. Sometimes it's a simple "ignorance is bliss" attitude, like when they let their 16-year-old daughter sleep over at her boyfriend's house because his parents are "totally home and everything", and sometimes it's a slight more naive (hell, maybe even just fucking ridiculously dumb) belief that your thirteen-year-old has never had sex with a boy and instead was impregnated by - wait for it - a hotel swimming pool.

Sounds pretty fuckin' ridiculous, right? But there it is. Magdalena Kwiatkowska, a mother from the oft-ridiculed nation of Poland, has filed a lawsuit against the Egyptian hotel where she and her daughter spent a recent holiday, under the claim that her daughter was pregged-out by a stray sperm floating in the hotel's communal swimming pool. Travel industry spokespeople (who I guess are the only ones talking about this case) have stated that "The mother is adamant that her daughter didn't meet any boys while she was there," and yet when she returned home, the fuckin' kid was knocked up!

If you think about it, it had to have been the pool. It just adds up. I mean, the chances that the daughter was lying to her mother and that she actually snuck out and fucked somebody without a jimmy-hat during the course of the vacation (or, you know, before the vacation) are slim to none. Thirteen year-old's do not lie. Ever. About anything. Take that obvious truth and add in the fact that public swimming pools are an ideal place to keep free-floating sperm alive (due to the heavy concentration of chlorine, which is known to strengthen the energy reserves, velocity, precision, intelligence and beave-hunting instinct of your common sperm cell) and you've got yourself an open-and-shut case here. The hotel ought to just go ahead and write a blank check, because this fuckin' case is already lost.

I'm not particularly a fan of Polish jokes, or of any humor that debases a particular people, but I'll be damned if those damn jokes won't stop popping into my head. They're just making it too fuckin' easy here. Fish in a sperm-filled barrel, you know?

If it turns out, somehow, that Ms. Kwiatkowska is correct, and her daughter was in fact made whole by a free-floating sentient man-seed, this is some seriously bad news for most of the POPPORN staff and readership. Because it means that our long-standing tradition of hosting Egyptian circle-jerk pool parties is gonna have to end, because I don't know about you, but I can't handle any more illegitimate kids. Like the TV show says, eight is enough!

Seriously, ladies. Don't go in the pool at the Venetian. It's loaded with Philadelphia jizz.

SHE'S FUCKING PREGNANT

POPPORN - THE GUIDE TO MAKING FUCK