The Fans of Adult Media and Entertainment (F.A.M.E.) Awards — or as I believe it truly to stand for, Fingerers And Meatflogging Enthusiasts — took place recently, and if anybody noticed a sad, despondent look on the face of poor Dane Cross, that was because of the heartbreak he suffered in his experience attempting to escort his beautiful girlfriend, our own Faye Reagan, down the red carpet.

As anyone who’s seen pictures from said red carpet surely is aware, Faye made one of the biggest splashes of the night walking it with her own girlfriend, Georgia Jones... both clad in nothing but mind-melting black lingerie. Little did anyone know there was a whole mini-soap opera swirling about this prance before the porno press.

The following day, Dane spilled all the dirt to yours truly. “She wouldn’t let me walk with her and Georgia,” he told me in a weepy, puppy dog-like tone. “I asked her emphatically, ‘May I please walk with you? I am your boyfriend, people know you’re dating me, and it’s for the red carpet, and Jules and [Jenna] walked the carpet together and etcetera etcetera, so we should be able to.’ And her explanation was, at the time, ‘No, you’ll ruin the pictures’ or ‘You don’t match our outfits.’

“Now granted, she felt bad about 10 minutes after,” he moaned on. “She started to text me and she says, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I feel bad, please come back,’ but by that time, the damage has already been done. So I decided to — also at the prompting of the PR company that I’m with [Rising Star PR], they needed me to walk the red carpet — I find two girls to walk the carpet with, one of which she [Faye] really doesn’t like, for whatever reason, I don’t know. And there it goes. And then I tell her about it today, and she like, got really hurt.

“I’m like, ‘What do you want from me? It’s either important for you that I walk the carpet or it’s not, and it doesn’t matter who I walk with.’ But at the time, really, I almost cried. I almost cried, I was so hurt. And so that’s what I did, I did something to retaliate. And it’s not fair that I don’t get to retaliate.”

My immediate response to Dane about all of this? “I’m sorry, but she’s the one with the vagina. You know what the rules are.”

“I know,” he sighed heavily. “I know now.”

So let this be a lesson to all of you. Vagina wins. The end.

ADDICTED TO PLEASURE (Aw, look! It's Dane and Faye together on the box!)

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