Do you ever wonder where the ladies at your local gentlemen's club stand on today's important issues? You know, shit like LOST, Battlestar Galactica or beave hair? We do, too, so we sent our superstar scumbag, Sergeant Spock BUCKTON to get the dirt.

Throughout the many trials and tribulations of dating in college, my old roommate and I devised a theory of dating that rivals most of the philosophical formulas in your average Philosophy 101 book (time to take notes, freshman daydreamers). It also has some serious Brave New World qualities to it, for you high IQ high schoolers. Basically, We constructed a system of understanding who you can and, more importantly, cannot date, based on the following formula:

Cardinal Antonio Maria Rouco Varela, the ultra-conservative head of Spain's Catholic church and a close friend of Pope Benedict XVI, has a problem and it's not with pedophile priests.

It's with his niece.

Magdalena Rouco Hernández graces the cover of Spain's interviu magazine wearing only a pair of red suspenders and stockings.

The family of Jimi Hendrix, who have said the man in Vivid's new "Jimi Hendrix: The Sex Tape," ain't him, are now being offered $100,000 to prove it isn't him by Vivid.

Of course, usually it's a positive that's supposed to be proven and not a negative, but whatevs. Experience Hendrix, LLC issued a statement to the press last week essentially dismissing the tape as a phony. Hendrix's brother Leon has also publicly questioned the tape's authenticity. Vivid boss Steven Hirsch doesn't care.

The religious right enjoys making the specious argument that porn drives people to sexual assault and rape but we wonder what continually drives religious leaders to kiddie porn? In Wales, a 58-year-old vicar, who had ministered to 7 different parishes, was arresed with his enabler wife on 18 counts of possessing child porn images. According to icWales, the Rev. Richard Hart has been suspended from his pastoring duties. Gee, really?...

Last night we were filming. After filming, we went drinking. After drinking, Digital Playground's contract girl Stoya grabbed a handful of POPPORN camera lady, Double D.

By handful, we mean a motherfucking handful.

Dave Pounder says he wants to be to pornography what Dr. Drew is to addiction medicine. Pounder, the adult performer, director and producer, is working on a Ph. D at Indiana University. He hopes to reduce the amount of women entering the porn business on a cultural level by minimizing child sexual abuse and strengthening modern families. I'm sorry, WTF?

For all you nut jobs out there who don't believe in evolution, researchers at Duke have shown how close man truly is to his simian ancestors.

Monkeys like porn.

Mental Floss reported on the experiment: The monkeys (actually adult male rhesus macaques, awww) were placed in front of computer screens and shown images of low-status males (the Joey Nickels of the monkey hierarchy) and female monkey asses.

We bet you were wondering when you were finally gonna get some face time with POPPORN's newest zoob-girl yenna bear. Well, today's the day, folks, and what better way to introduce the young lady and her lovely zoobs than by having her (along with BUCKTON, of couse) review what is easily the scummiest film we're reviewed so far?

The Marin Independent Journal has this story in full detail but at POPPORN we're just giving you the highlights.

Dennis Saunders of San Rafael, Calif., is a peeping tom. Sure, his last conviction was in 2002 but like alcoholism, once the devil's got you, you're always devilish. Thus, Mr. Saunders is, was and will be a peeping tom and has had peeping tom run-ins with the law over a 23-year period from 1979 to 2002. Impressive.