JIZZ IT'S WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST!

In my slumber, the demons are screaming.

"Rick, stop groping your stepsister!"

"Rick, stop trying to get people to buy things all the time!"

"Rick, stop writing about your fetishes - they're fucking creepy!"

I awaken. Suck it, demons. I do what I want.

CRISIS AMERICA! HOME IMPROVEMENT STORES ARE RUNNING OUT OF SHOWER RODS!


I remember a friend of mine who worked at a local sex shop back in the Midwest telling me that after the whole 50 Shades debacle, they just couldn't keep those Ben Wa vagina balls in stock!

JOSIE JACOBS' LINK ROUND UP - 4/18/2014


This porn round up was supposed to be published last Friday. So sorry, I was out of the office. I'm now back in the office and thus, I am posting this article. It's a couple days late. Sue me. - Bangs

11 animals whose sex lives will make you feel better about your own - Buzzfeed
Banana Slugs chew off each other's penises before they bang and male hippos use poop as an aphrodisiac...really puts your last "bad sex" experience into perspective, eh?

POPPORN PUSSY POLL 003 - CLAIRE ROBBINS


Holy moly! Is there anything hotter than a slutty redhead? Sure, most people think the fiery mark is a sign of the devil but frankly, who cares as long as the carpet matches the curtains DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN??? Claire Robbins is a lover of all things bondage and has the resume to prove it. She was kind enough to take our POPPORN Pussy Poll and we loved her answers so much that we just had to share it with you.

Claire's a dirty, dirty girl and you're lucky to have her in your life. Enjoy!

HAWAII POLICE HAVE TO GIVE UP THEIR PROSTITUTES


Being a police officer in Hawaii is going to be a lot less fun.

CHARMANE STAR STARS IN A THING! BECAUSE SHE'S A STAR!

Charmane Star, a Filipino porn actress known for appearing in 279 adult films (and Black Dynamite, apparently) has been cast in a low-budget "heinously dark" thriller being filmed in Manhattan.

Catch 22: based on the unwritten story of Seanie Sugrue is, as you may have guessed, based on the unwritten story of filmmaker Josh Folan's friend, Seanie Sugrue. It has nothing to do with the Joseph Heller novel of the same name.

KLEIO VALENTIEN AND THE ONE NIGHT STAND/BAD HOOKUP!


Everyone has had at least one bad hookup and if you say you haven’t, you are obviously the King of picking-out-who-to-bang and I need some pointers from you. I have had my share of nights I wish I had stopped to pick up some Whataburger instead. These are some of the most memorable ones I have had that still leave me thinking about the choice I made.

STEPHEN COLBERT MADE NOT ONE, BUT SEVERAL SEX TAPES?


News broke this week that that gap-toothed dork from Cabin Boy was retiring. Waves of woe shot across the internet, as people scrambled to decipher the runes of the entertainment gods in hopes of finding out whether they'd ever be entertained again. After all, it's been mere months since that skinny dork replaced that big-chinned goblin of uncomedy and humanity as a whole is already nearing self-genocide.

MOLLY'S WRECKING BALLZ


Last year, Devil's Film released Just In Beaver Fever, which is exactly what it sounds like: the sexual misadventures of a young pop star who dance-walks his way around Hollywood just falling into pussy.

That went over pretty well, so here comes another pop parody from Devil's: Molly's Wrecking Ballz.

It's the tale of a young pop star who does a lot of drugs and has sex with a lot of people. And that's about it. Plot summary: complete.

POPPORN PUSSY POLL 002 - KLEIO


We would be lying if we said we didn't love Kleio Valentien. Ever since we saw her take it POV style in her first porn movie waaaay back in 2010 we thought she was one classy lady. Funny, energetic and hotter than Georgia asphalt she's worked almost exclusively for Burning Angel Entertainment. Recently, she's started shooting content for other producers and her profile seems to keep expanding.

She was kind enough to take our POPPORN Pussy Poll. Why? We have no idea. Maybe she doesn't know any better?

NICKELODEON STAR SEXY SELFIE SCANDAL STIRS STRIFE...OR DOES IT?


So, depending on how comfortable you are with lusting after very young girls, you may or may not be familiar with a little show called Sam & Cat. See, the Tweensploitation wizards over at Nickelodeon had the bright idea to take secondary characters from two of their hugely popular, now off-the-air shows (iCarly and Victorious) and smash them together into a new show about two hot chicks, like, babysitting or something. Naturally, tweens being stupid, tasteless fuckholes, the show has been a huge motherfucking success. But now the winds of scandal have blown through and trouble is brewing in paradise. Rumors have begun circulating that, despite its boffo ratings, Nickelodeon may cancel the show.

WE ARE NOW SCHOLARS AND YOU MUST RESPECT US!


FINALLY, someone's figured out what we've known all along. Porn is both a science and an art, and it must be studied by wise scholars and analyzed for its societal impact. Duh-doi!

JOSIE JACOBS' LINK ROUND UP - 4/4/2014


Excuse me, waiter… What exactly is in that cream sauce? Taiwan opened a sex-themed cafe. - YouTube Turn off the sound on this one, folk, as it features an incredibly annoying TMZ-esque narration. Here are the highlights of the restaurant known as Funny Sex: sexy aprons, dick-shaped ice cream and rice, a boob hand soap dispenser, blow up doll meal-companions, hot pots in the shape of a woman's chest, and enough phallic novelties to throw at least 5 Vegas Bachelorette parties.

FARRAH ABRAHAM'S EROTIC TRILOGY


Look, April Fool's Day was this past Monday so maybe this is fake, but...

I heard (read on HuffPo) that Farrah Abraham – teen mom, porn actress, liar – is writing an "erotic trilogy" loosely based on the couple of times she was filmed having sex with the likes of James Deen.

Abraham's dream with "Celebrity Sex Tape: In the Making" is to write a better 50 Shades of Grey. Well, Farrah, you're in luck, because that book blows. But you're probably not in luck, because you're Farrah Abraham.

THE WRONG WAY TO CLEAN YOUR FLESHLIGHT


The Fleshlight is considered to be one of the best non-living things a man can stick his dick in. With a slew of realistic-feeling replicas of the buttholes, mouths and snatches of some of the best ladies in the biz (Lisa Ann, Asa Akira, and Alexis Texas, to name a few --- along with aliens, zombies and cyborgs if that’s your thing), and a variety of tantalizing inner textures, it’s not a big surprise they’ve become as popular as they have. But owning a Fleshlight comes with one small responsibility - just like anything else you cum in, it's probably a good idea to keep it clean.

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